Land of Confusion

This morning as I was riding my motor bike to the office, I was passed by a guy wearing a black jean jacket.  The fact that it's 80 degrees with 90% humidity is not the story here.  The story is that embroidered on the back of the jacket in black thread it read, "1 DAY RELAX JUST HAVE."  It got me thinking about all the amazing things we've seen since our arrival in this strange land.  Nearly every day we see something written on a tshirt or a helmet that is just, well, odd.  Normally it's easy to suss out the intended meaning when you see amusing English (or Engrish as they say on the Internets), but sometimes it's not so easy.  For instance I saw a shirt a while back that read, "Use Day Good With You."  I have no idea what the intended meaning is.  Most of the time we see people with funny shirts or other garments we're driving, so we can't really take pictures, but I do have a few. 



This is a sticker I saw on a motor bike parked in the parking lot by my office.  Do you think Nike knows of this sticker's existence?  Is this a Nike sponsored product?  Google Translate told me that Da Qua means "past", but I asked one of the Vietnamese guys in the office what it means and he told me Da Qua means "feels good."  I think we can all agree that this takes the sticker's meaning to a different level.  I have no idea what purpose the monkey serves.  I also have no idea why someone would feel compelled to stick this on their motor bike.  I suppose they could have been taking a cue from the "Calvin Peeing on [insert logo or object you dislike here]" stickers that appear on the rear windsheilds of El Caminos and lifted trucks in the US.  There's really nothing that announces "I am a Jackass" quite like the Calvin stickers.

I just hunted through my phone to find a photo of my favorite sign in Vietnam, but I can't find it.  At a construction site I visited they have a HUGE sign that reads, "Our Objective Is No Accident."  I know that the project is both owned and operated by native English speakers, yet no one felt the need to proofread the sign.  Of course your objective is no accident, it's your objective.  Is it more stupid than people saying someone "loved to laugh?"  I'll leave that up to you.  Have you ever met anyone that didn't love to laugh?  I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone that I plan on Living My Life and It Is What It Is. 

Ah the ubiquitous Snake Wine.  You knew it would make an appearance.  This isn't just any old wine with a snake though.  It also has at least one gecko in it and a bird (with feathers).  Sadly, the "wine" has grown too murky for the bird to show up in the photo, but I'm told that's when it's best.  If you look closely, you can see one of the feathers at the bottom of photo. I really can't imagine any scenario that would make me want to drink this.  I don't care what it does, that is not going in my body.  You can take this tonic home with you for a mere $100.  It's a bargain really.  And while you're being disgusted by that, consider this:  Is drinking this any creepier than ingesting a pill that makes your dick hard?

Come on Vietnam Airlines!  You're a huge corporation, the largest airline in Vietnam.  Surely there is a native English speaker somewhere in your company you can use to proofread your GIGANTIC sign.  Someone really should have snuck up there at night and put up a giant porn picture over one of those travel photos.  Would you write "spread we are" into a Google search?  No you wouldn't.  My guess is any reference to Vietnam Airlines would be pretty far down the list.  Still, I was sad when they took the sign down.



Don't you just love Christmas?  This pastoral setting was at the Legend Hotel where we ate Thanksgiving dinner (that's the only time I've ever been in the Legend Hotel).  I had to drink the VND800,000 entrance fee because all they had for me to eat for Thanksgiving was salad and cheese plate (again -Damn you Vietnamese Buffet!).  I thought the fire feature was especially nice. Then I looked closer.

 

Is that a Halloween fire cauldron in the fireplace of the Christmas decorations on Thanksgiving?  Yes.  Yes it is.

Hey Americans, before you start getting all uppity and elitist about how great you are and how backward and stupid things are in Vietnam, perhaps you'd like to explain this:



I can't find the words to write how much I detest you headlight eyelash... Anthropomorphizing cars in movies isn't enough for you?  How's your Beanie Baby collection coming?  I took this in the parking lot of a Sam's Club.  Of course I did, don't act like you're surprised.  One thing to note is look how smooth the Sam's Club parking lot pavement is!  I don't see a single ill-covered pothole in this photo.



And what kind of person would I be if I didn't include a life sized Hello Kitty statue?  This monster is in the C Gates at the Taipei airport.  Do you see that actual person standing next to it?  That's for scale.  This Hello Kitty is as big as me.  And yes, this statue is guarding the entrance to an entire store of Hello Kitty shit.  But, as you can see, even Hello Kitty is sick of herself. She's getting on a plane.  I've done actual research into the popularity of Hello Kitty in Asia, and I still don't understand it.  The shit is everywhere.  And let me just make sure we're clear on this, Taipei Airport:  I can buy a Hello Kitty shirt, shorts, pants, hat, socks, shoes, helmet, backpack, pen, pencil, pen and pencil holder, notebook, folder, greeting card, stationary, high bounce ball, low bounce ball, bowling ball, bicycle, toothbrush, comb, toothpaste, hair brush, asprin, alka-seltzer, trail mix, book, DVD, Blu-Ray, plush stuffed kitty, hard porcelain kitty and a sign for my bedroom but I can't buy a beer?  Taipei Airport, we need to talk.

 And finally....



Have you ever looked at a piece of sushi and felt compelled to laugh?  Smile, yes.  But laugh?  I don't think so.  And what is the cube?  I've never seen sushi that looked like that.  Was this drawn by a fourth grader? Because fourth grade girls are the only people I know to draw "tongue sticking out" smiley faces.  And could they have drawn a piece of sushi and made it look less appetizing then the one right there by the question mark?  It looks like a cat turd on a rice patty.

 Well I hope you laughed a little because these things bring me a lot of joy.  They also bring a fair amount of confusion, but confusion seems to be the spice of life these days.  There are so many more things I've seen and either haven't had a camera or haven't had time to get it out.  I'll keep looking though.  Have a good weekend.