Highway to the Danger Zone

I rode in a car yesterday.  That isn't exactly big news for me, but for most people around here it's a rarity.  A couple months ago Reyna and I took a taxi across town to a dinner party.  Reyna remarked that it was the first time she'd ridden in a car in nearly six months.  I generally ride in a car for work every week, but it still feels weird.  When you ride in a car you find yourself thinking, "these motorbike riders are all insane."  Then you get on your motorbike and think, "what is wrong with all these asshole cars?" 

While riding in the car I tried to pay attention to the things we passed; beyond the usual bob and weave around large trucks.  One of these days I'll be quick enough to get a photo of me sitting in the car seat and touching an 18-wheeler through the window.  We passed:

• Ocean Rescue Vehicle - this wouldn't have been all that noteworthy except that it was on the street with a giant hole in the side.  There's a lot of water around here, but I didn't see a body of water for at least twenty minutes.  How did it get there?  Why was it there?

• At least ten different places to buy a 20 foot Buddha statue.  Some of the craftsmen make Buddhas and some make gigantic Jesuses (Jesi?).  I think it would be fun to hang out and watch them carve the statues.  I always thought these things were created in studios.  Not in Vietnam.  Here they make them on the side of the highway.  I'm still waiting to see a big truck hauling an enormous Buddha.  You can bet that when I do, I'm following that truck to it's destination.  I want to know where all these statues end up.  And do the artists who create them work on commission or do they just crank out Buddha's all day, every day?  There are always at least half a dozen finished statues sitting in the weeds (or dirt) on the property.

• We passed a group of monks with machetes.  They were using them to trim the hedges beside their monestary.  I chose to view it as a passive aggressive theft deterrent system.  They may be pacifists in their flowing orange robes, but these monks can throw down if needed.  I guess hedge trimmers are hard to find around here.  This is strange since plants almost never die here.  We can't kill our house plants despite barely giving them any sun and only watering them a couple times a month.  We thought one was dead, so we put the pot outside to throw away.  By the next day a new version of the same plant started growing.  Currently it's the healthiest one we have.  One would think in a place where plants constantly threaten to overtake civilization there would be more impliments available to keep them at bay.  Nope.  Plus, how can you resist the image of a monk whacking anything with a machete?  Pure surrealist gold.

• I'm always amazed by the number of kids that play in or right next to the street.  For those of you who live in the US, picture the busiest city street in your town.  Now picture that street in major rush hour traffic.  Sometimes it's bumper to bumper going 50mph, sometimes it's creeping.  Now imagine your under eight child playing a rousing game of tag with his crew of friends less than five feet from that street.  Not only are they a yard from being crushed beneath the wheels of an 18-wheeler, but they also spend all day breathing the dust and exhaust createdby those same trucks.  There are no concrete barriers and lanes are more suggestions than clear delineations of where people should drive.  Bear in mind that when something is in a driver's way here, the driver honks his horn.  He won't slow down unless it's absolutely neccessary. 

• In the midst of all this chaos, tummy churning weaving around and mayhem, or driver wears headphones.  Ostensibly this is to drown out our annoying English banter.  Despite being one of the most aggressive drivers I've ever encountered, I overheard Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On*"  and George Michael's "Careless Whisper."  If you aren't familiar with these songs, I highly recommend following those links.  This is the preferred soundtrack for risking your life on Highway 1 in Vietnam.  I was hoping to hear "Take My Breath Away**," but I'm not sure Top Gun was big over here even though reckless motorcycle riding is heavily featured in the film.

*Also known as the Titanic theme song.  Don't act like you don't know the words!
**Bum-Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum-Bum

• A fully grown, very much alive sow on a motorbike.  It would have been better if the sow was driving, but it was in a cage.

• Apparently it's let-your-cows-graze-on-the-side-of-the-road season here in Vietnam because we passed at least a dozen herds of cattle either on or in the road.  We haven't hit one yet, but I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time.

• A cage of puppies on the back of a motorbike.  It's almost not worth mentioning because it's so common.  We did ask our driver if they were to be sold as pets or food.  He wasn't sure.

So I guess it's important to remember that when you venture out onto the highways of Vietnam, you should be careful and keep a watchful eye out.  And always remember to wear your helmet.

Let the power of the Golden Hamster protect you.  I also Googled Kelly Smith and couldn't find anything connecting that name with the helmet industry in Vietnam.  Perhaps I should write a strongly worded letter to the email address.