After 33 hours of travel I made it home safely. My journey home took me from Atlanta to Denver to San Francisco to Taipei to HCM. Althogether it was 24 hours of flying and 9 hours sitting in various airports wishing for death, or at least a place to lie down. I managed to finish one book, read about half of another* with time left over to watch five movies**. It's depressing to fly from Atlanta to San Francisco, which takes about the same amount of time as a flight from Atlanta to London or Paris and then realize that your journey is significantly less than half over. After that 7 hour domestic journey, I still had another 17(!) hours to fly before getting home. The Pacific Ocean is a big place.
*I finished reading Galveston by Nic Pizzolatto which I highly recommend if you're into darkish southern gothic style novels with white trashy characters (Flannery O'Connor he is not, but I still liked it). I then was pleased to find Bill Bryson's "new" book At Home in the San Francisco airport.
**Let's see... Moneyball, The Debt, Real Steel (sad but true -choices are limited on airplanes, okay?) The Driver (which was absolutely awful.. I didn't realize Ryan Gosling looking glum and not speaking above a whisper for 90 minutes is all it takes to make a critically acclaimed movie these days), The Warrior (surprisingly good) and Forrest Gump. Incidentally, I chose Forrest Gump because it is 2.5 hours and I was on a 3 hour flight. The main thing I took away from my umpteenth time watching the movie is that a Boeing 777 can travel 1300 miles in the time it takes to watch the movie in it's entirety.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little apprehensive about coming back. It was very easy to fall back into the American lifestyle. Everything just a short drive or button click away is quite an aphordisiac for people who have to go to six stores just to make dinner. It also took us so long to adjust to living in Asia, I was concerned about having to re-endure the culture shock of being back.
As I climbed into the taxi that drove me home, I found myself smiling. I realized that I'd missed the chaos and the outright strangeness of my new home. America is so buttoned up and clean that it's actually a little boring. I found the whole experience in America somewhat sterile. I suppose it is a great way to spend a vacation: not worrying about anything and having everything you need nearby, but no one drove within an inch of me. No strangers grabbed my arm and pointed at my tattoos. No said hello to me as I passed (especially in Vegas). No one blatantly stared at me at a stop light, or pointed and laughed (at least not that I noticed). I didn't see anyone driving around with an obscenely large amount of junk on the back of a motorcycle. I saw little to no weird Hello Kitty merchandise. I didn't have to play charades to get what I wanted at the store, nor did I have to point to my selection in a single menu. It was all so....simple.
And when things get that simple, there is free time to worry about other things. Namely, one's health. I watched the national news a few times with my parents and every single commercial was for a perscription medication. When did that happen? Have I just not been paying attention? People in America must be enourmously medicated. I bet you could live off nothing but perscription drugs in the US. You could take so many you actually feel full. I don't even know where to buy aspirin in Vietnam. If my head hurts, I have a headache. When I eat a giant spicy and greasy Indian dinner I get heartburn (and then firey poops). That's what's supposed to happen. When you put crap into your body, you feel like crap and suffer the consequences. Every time the TV came on it was a parade of: Do you have restless legs? Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you have arthritis? Rhumetoid Arthritis? Do you want to enhance your male performance? Do you have genital herpes? Are you over the age of 50? Do you need brith control? Weight control? Muscle control? Mind control? Child control? Do you suffer from chronic back pain? Mesothelioma? Dry Skin? Heartburn? Dry Scalp? Acne? Athlete's Foot? Cramps? PMS? Dandruff? Diarrhea? Constipation? Mucus buildup? Plaque buildup? Debt buildup? Been in a car accident? Work accident? Need a loan? Need energy? Need pain relief? Stress relief? Feeling Tired? Down? Depressed? Suicidal? After being bombarded with it for three weeks, I started to feel ill. If I had to endure another Cialis commercial, I thought I might have a psychotic break*.
*My father has been saying this for years, and I used to think it was silly, but WHY do the couples in the commercials have an intimate moment and then go sit in separate bathtubs? What is the point of that? When I get in the mood there's nothing better than going and sitting in a hard, cold outdoor bathtub to really express my desire. Stupid... Also the Cialis commercial never says what the drug actually does. It just says, "when the time is right, will you be ready?" What does that mean? When the time is right to plant beans, will you be ready? When the time is right to put the burgers on the grill, will you be ready? I suppose both of my examples also have double entendre potential so they work as well.
"This channel is obsessed with growing hair, muscles and cocks." My brother nailed it as we sat, mouths agape, watching a marathon of Hardcore Pawn on TruTV (a channel I never knew existed until this trip back) one night*. Every single commercial was either Hair Club for Men, Just for Men, Grecian Formula or some other hair growing formula or surgical procedure, some kind of MMA-endoresed exercise device or pills that make your dick bigger. It was funny and amazing at the same time. Since moving to Vietnam I can honestly say that adding a suppliment to increase the size of my penis to my diet has not occurred to me a single time. I'd actually forgotten these pills even existed. I only saw about three commercials that advertised ways to make one smarter (all Rosetta Stone commercials). I saw more commercials in three weeks than I'd seen in nine months of Asian living.
*If you haven't seen this show.... Wow... I had no idea you could say or do half the shit they do on television. After two shocking hours of it, I knew why the evil-doers hate us and want us all dead. I'm ashamed to admit that I loved every second of it and was sad when it ended at 2am. It was easily the most indulgent two hours of television I've ever watched. I'm sure there is plenty more on YouTube.
It's odd but I found myself relieved to get back to Vietnam. Most people when they come to visit us are totally overwhelmed by the beehive that is our new home. It's all garish, loud, stinky and foreign from top to bottom. I agree with their assessment, but it's also a total escape from the western advertising juggernaut. In Vietnam I'm more concerned with getting into a firey crash on my motorbike to concern myself with advertising. Plus it's all in Vietnamese anyway. The only thing I can tell you is that Lionel Messi advertises Vinamilk. At no point during my time in the US was I unaware of the presence of advertising. From everyone's clothes to signs to stores to television to the golf course it was everywhere. So which is stranger? At this point it's difficult to decide.
So I'm back now, and I hope to get back on track with my writing schedule. Thanks in advance for sticking it out through the vacation. And hey, if you like what I'm writing here or if you think it's totally stupid, feel free to make a comment and let me know. If there's something you would like for me to write about, or if you have a question about how we manage to do certain things, let me know. Comments people! I know you're out there. I also know you have questions because I just talked to most of you while we were in the US. Make yourselves heard...er...read.
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